With my only Swindon supporting friend jettisoned in Solihull, I made the lonely journey to the Valley alone to watch the second leg of the League One Playoff semi-final between Swindon and Charlton. With Swindon holding a narrow 2-1 lead from the first leg it was all to play for.

Being a disorganised twat I left it so late my only option was to purchase on the gate. The imbecile behind the counter told me North Lower (the stronghold of the stalwart Charlton fan) was the only space left – this despite there being swathes of space in both the other stands throughout the game. Wanker.

So with gritted teeth and a check on my emotions I took my seat amongst the South East London Ultras, replete with their bare chests and dodgy tattoos vaguely resembling the Charlton badge.

It was not an immensely enjoyable experience initially. I abhor football fans who scream obscenities throughout matches, even more so when they are about the team and players you support. And especially not when they are a foot from your ear in the seat next to you.

It all looked good at first, two minutes into the game I had a spare seat beside me and was relaxing into my personal space (I am not a small man and two seats was just about right). Then he arrived. ‘Superfan’. He had no top on, one of those ridiculous big red hands over one of his own, a hooter, and an extremely loud voice. Suffice to say, for 120 minutes he was my most hated man in the world, and I now have a perforated eardrum.

It was difficult as an alien among Ultras. When they leapt and screamed at a missed chance I thanked the Lord and exhaled. When Swindon went close I let out a strangled yelp and put my head in my hands, they booed and or cheered. After a while I established a neutral shout of ‘fuuuuuuck’ got me through whatever happened.

Swindon started well and dominated only to be hit by a sucker punch against the run of play, and a ridiculous own goal at that. Another just before half time and Danny Wilson’s red and white army were right up against it.

But of course I couldn’t display any signs of concern, Superfan and probably a thousand others would have mauled me. My hands thrust themselves deeper into my pockets when Swindon went close, and when they reached my head I feigned relief. For Charlton’s goals, head in hands and stony silence mixed with muttered expletive was lost amidst the delirium.

Swindon started the second half well but were again stopped in their tracks, this time for a fully deserved Gordon Greer red card. I think my shout of  ‘you fucking twat’ was seen as sympathy for the stricken Charlton player. Well I am alive now I suppose.

Danny Ward’s goal was met with clenched fists (in pockets of course) and a look to the heavens. And there was so much shouting when Charlton were reduced to 10 after Charlie Austin was hauled down it drowned out my conflicting emotions.

So to extra time – I had been through the mill with these guys now, and felt a strange sense if guilt. I was like a peeping  Tom, a pervert, an emotional voyeur – pretending to share in their sorrow and joy yet all the while secretly opposing them. I felt bad. And worried that I would be rumbled by a wholly inappropriate reaction. When Swindon went close and I almost genuflected (hands on head of course) I thought it was all over, but as I said, I am alive now…

I was dreading penalties but I found myself an isolated seat I could stand on and put myself through the last throes of the emotional gamut alone. And when Darby netted the decisive penalty my celebration was to run off into the stands and home, only pausing to glimpse the Swindon mob.

The playoffs are incredible – the Americans call them our best kept secret. And this was the playoffs at their best, end to end, incident and action packed, dramatic and compelling. And…

E I E I O, UP THE FOOTBALL LEAGUE WE GO!!

Come on Swindon. We’re going to fucking Wembley. And this time I can watch it with my own fans.

BBC Sport outlines the promotion and relegation issues in England and Scotland – plus the race for European places.

Manchester United were the first team to qualify for Europe

The title race will go to the final day of the season on Sunday 9 May, when leaders Chelsea host Wigan while rivals Manchester United entertain Stoke. Chelsea are assured of the title if they beat Wigan – and given Chelsea’s superior goal difference, United will need to win and hope Chelsea lose to win the title.

The top four sides in the Premier League qualify for the Champions League. The top three go straight to the group stage, while the fourth-placed team faces a play-off. Chelsea, Manchester United, Arsenal and Tottenham (who beat Manchester City on 5 May to seal their place) are all assured of a top-four finish.

English clubs are offered three places in the Europa League – for the FA Cup winners, the Carling Cup winners and the fifth-placed team in the Premier League.

Carling Cup winners Manchester United have already qualified for the Champions League, as have Chelsea who face Portsmouth in the FA Cup final.

The FA and Premier League have decided that Pompey should not play in Europe as they had not applied for a Uefa club licence (as administration meant they were not in a position to file their accounts), and rejected the club’s appeal.

Burnley’s relegation was confirmed after a heavy defeat by Liverpool

Unless that situation changes, the teams finishing sixth and seventh will also qualify for the Europa League. Manchester City will enter the Europa League, along with Aston Villa and Liverpool.

There are also extra Europa League places available for one team from each of the top three countries in Uefa’s Fair Play rankings. As of 31 December 2009, England were ranked third – and if Fulham win the Europa League final, Burnley are in line to take up the Fair Play place.

Portsmouth, who were deducted nine points after entering administration in February, went down on 10 April, while Burnley’s relegation was confirmed on 25 April after a 4-0 home defeat against Liverpool and Hull’s with a 2-2 draw at Wigan on 3 May.

Newcastle clinched promotion back to the top flight on Easter Monday

Newcastle United clinched an immediate return to the top flight on Easter Monday and were the first Football League team to be promoted. They won at Plymouth on 19 April to seal the title. They were joined by West Bromwich Albion on 10 April after their 3-2 win at Doncaster.

Nottingham Forest, Cardiff City, Leicester City and Blackpool will contest the play-offs.

Peterborough United were the first Football League team to be relegated after drawing 2-2 with Barnsley on Easter Monday. Fellow strugglers Plymouth Argyle were sent down in the same game that saw Newcastle crowned champions. Sheffield Wednesday were relegated on the last day of the season after they could only manage a draw against relegation rivals Crystal Palace.

Norwich clinched promotion on 17 April and the title a week later

Leaders Norwich City clinched promotion on 17 April and secured the title on 24 April with a 2-0 win against Gillingham.

Leeds, Millwall, Swindon, Charlton and Huddersfield could all grab the second automatic promotion place on the final day of the season – but Leeds and Millwall are favourites. The other four teams will contest the play-offs.

Four teams will drop to League Two – Stockport County were condemned to relegation after losing 3-1 to Yeovil on 10 April, and Southend United joined them after a 2-2 draw at Oldham on 24 April.

Wycombe Wanderers were relegated on 1 May after losing to Leyton Orient, which all but mathematically confirmed Orient’s place in League One.

Hartlepool now join Tranmere, Exeter and Gillingham as candidates for the remaining relegation place after Pools were fined three points for fielding an ineligible player in their 2-0 win over Brighton in April.

That leaves them just one point above the relegation zone going into their last game of the season, away to Brentford.

Notts County clinched the League Two title with a win over Darlington

Notts County, Bournemouth and Rochdale have clinched the three automatic promotion places, while County won the title with a 5-0 win at Darlington on 27 April.

Rotherham and Aldershot have secured their places in the play-offs – with six teams contesting the final two play-off spots on the last day of the season.

Two clubs will be relegated to the Blue Square Premier. Rock-bottom Darlington were relegated on 13 April, while Grimsby Town will join them unless they win at Burton on the final day of the season. That result would send Barnet down if the Bees fail to beat Rochdale, while Cheltenham are safe barring a heavy defeat for them at home to Accrington, coupled with wins for both Grimsby and Barnet.

Chester City’s demise means only three teams will be relegated

Stevenage Borough clinched the title and promotion to the Football League with a 2-0 win at Kidderminster on 17 April.

Oxford United and York City will contest the play-off final on 16 May for the second promotion spot.

Chester City were expelled from the Football Conference on Friday 26 February, liquidated and their results subsequently expunged, so only three teams will be relegated from the division.

Grays Athletic became the first club to be relegated in any of the top five English divisions on 3 April after a goalless draw with Kettering. Forest Green and Ebbsfleet United joined them on the final day of the season.

Four teams are promoted to the Blue Square Premier – the champions and play-off winners of the Blue Square North and South divisions.

Newport County were the first team in the top six tiers of English football to clinch promotion by beating Havant & Waterlooville 2-0 on 15 March to make sure of the Blue Square South title, while Bath City face Woking in the play-off final.

Southport took the Blue Square North title on the final day of the season with a 3-0 win at Eastwood Town. Alfreton Town and Fleetwood Town will contest the play-off final.

Rangers made sure of their 53rd SPL title on 25 April

Rangers clinched their 53rd SPL title with a 1-0 win at Hibernian on 25 April, and should enter the Champions League at the group stages. Celtic will definitely finish second and will enter the Champions League at the third qualifying round.

However, from 2011/12, the SPL will lose one of its two Champions League places after Belgium overtook Scotland in Uefa’s coefficient ranking table.

Teams finishing third and fourth will qualify for the Europa League, together with the Scottish Cup winners. Scottish Cup finalists Dundee United are guaranteed to finish third in the SPL so will qualify for the Europa League – but if they win the Cup, the additional Europa League place will go to the fifth-placed SPL team.

There are also extra Europa League places available for one team from each of the top three countries in Uefa’s Fair Play rankings. As of 31 December 2009, Scotland were ranked seventh.

The bottom club will be relegated to Division One.

Champions Inverness Caledonian Thistle returned to the SPL at the first attempt after rivals Dundee lost at Raith on Wednesday 21 April.

As the bottom club Ayr United were relegated to Division Two, whilst last-but-bottom Airdrie United face a play-off with three Division Two teams.

Stirling, who became champions on 1 May, will be promoted to Division One, with Alloa, Cowdenbeath and Brechin contesting a play-off withAirdrie United, the ninth-placed Division One team.

Clyde were relegated on 20 April after losing 2-1 at home to Stirling, while Arbroath face a play-off with three Division Three teams.

Livingston’s draw against Berwick on 17 April assured the side of the title and promotion.

Forfar, East Stirling and Queens Park will contest a play-off with Arbroath for a place in Division Two. There is no relegation from this division.



PREMIER LEAGUE

Manchester United made sure of the Premier League title on 16 May

Manchester United were crowned champions of England for the 18th time on 16 May following their 0-0 draw with Arsenal.

United, Liverpool, Chelsea and Arsenal have all qualified for the Champions League. The top three will go straight to the group stage, while Arsenal will face a play-off.

English clubs are offered three places in the Europa League (formerly the Uefa Cup) – for the FA Cup winners, the Carling Cup winners and the fifth-placed team in the Premier League.

Newcastle’s relegation was confirmed on the final day of the season

As Carling Cup winners, Manchester United and the FA Cup winners (either Chelsea or Everton) have already guaranteed European qualification through the league, the fifth, sixth and seventh-placed teams – Everton, Aston Villa and Fulham have qualified for the Europa League.

The Intertoto Cup – previously an alternative route into the Uefa Cup for clubs – has been abolished.

West Bromwich Albion were relegated to the Championship on 17 May, and they were joined by Middlesbrough and Newcastle United who both lost on the final day of the season.

Wolves made sure of their return to the Premier League on 18 April

Wolverhampton Wanderers are champions after their 1-1 draw with Barnsley on 25 April. Birmingham took the second automatic place after winning 2-1 at promotion rivals Reading on the final day of the season.

Sheffield United and Burnley will contest the play-off final on 25 May.

Charlton Athletic, Southampton and Norwich City are relegated to League One.

Leicester’s 2-0 win at Southend on 18 April made sure of the title

Leicester City confirmed their rise to the Championship and the League One title with a 2-0 win at Southend on 18 April. Peterborough United secured the second promotion place by beating Colchester 1-0 a week later, and Scunthorpe United beat Millwall in the play-off final.

Hereford United, Cheltenham Town, Crewe Alexandra and Northampton Town are relegated to League Two.

Brentford made sure of the title with one game to spare

Brentford are promoted as champions after beating Darlington on 25 April. Wycombe and Exeter joined them on a dramatic final day of the season, while Gillingham beat Shrewsbury in the play-off final to claim the final place.

Luton Town and Chester City are relegated to the Blue Square Premier.

Burton Albion have been promoted to the Football League as champions. Torquay United join them after beating Cambridge United in the play-off final on 17 May.

Lewes, Northwich, Woking and Weymouth are relegated.

Four teams are promoted to the Blue Square Premier – the champions and play-off winners of the Blue Square North and South divisions.

Formed in 2002, AFC Wimbledon have reached the Conference top flight

AFC Wimbledon were promoted after clinching the Blue Square South title with a 3-0 victory over St Albans City on 25 April, with Hayes & Yeading joining them after a 3-2 victory over Hampton & Richmond in the play-off final.

Tamworth secured the Blue Square North title after beat Hinckley United 1-0 on 21 April and Gateshead will join them after a 1-0 win over AFC Telford United in the play-off final.

Rangers edged out rivals Celtic in the last week of the season

Rangers were crowned SPL champions after winning 3-0 at Dundee United on the final day of the season and will go straight into the Champions League group stages. Runners-up Celtic also make the Champions League but will face two qualifying rounds.

Hearts and Aberdeen, who finished third and fourth, will qualify for the Europa League, as will Scottish Cup finalists Falkirk, whose opponents Rangers have already qualified for the Champions League.

There are also three additional places awarded to the three national associations that finish highest in its Respect Fair Play league standings. Norway, Denmark and Scotland were the highest-ranked associations – earning each an extra place.

Each qualifying association is then entitled to put forward the highest-placed club from its own fair play standings which has not already qualified for Europe – with Motherwell having led the way into the final round of games.

INTERNET LINK: Scotland granted Fair Play place in Europa League (11 May)

Bottom club Inverness Caledonian Thistle were relegated to Division One after losing to fellow strugglers Falkirk in their final game.

St Johnstone made sure of the title and promotion to the Scottish Premier League by beating Morton on 2 May.

Clyde were relegated on the same day as they finished bottom despite defeating Dundee, while ninth-placed Airdrie United were relegated after losing in the play-off final to Second Division side Ayr United.

Raith Rovers were crowned champions on 2 May and will be promoted to Division One, while Ayr United beat Brechin City and First Division side Airdrie United in the play-offs to earn promotion.

Bottom club Stranraer were consigned to an immediate return to the Third Division on 4 April when they lost 3-0 to Raith Rovers.

Queen’s Park were also relegated to Division Three after losing on aggregate to Stenhousemuir in their play-off semi-final.

Champions Dumbarton will be promoted to Division Two having finished four points clear at the top top of the table.

Stenhousemuir overcame Queen’s Park and Cowdenbeath in the play-offs to earn the second promotion place.

There is no relegation from this division, with Elgin City finishing as Scottish senior football’s bottom club this season.

PREMIER LEAGUE

Manchester United, Liverpool, Chelsea and Arsenal have all qualified for the Champions League. The top three will go straight to the group stage, while the fourth-placed team will face a play-off.

English clubs are offered three places in the Europa League (formerly the Uefa Cup) – for the FA Cup winners, the Carling Cup winners and the fifth-placed team in the Premier League.

Manchester United were the first team to book their place in Europe

With Manchester United having won the Carling Cup and being guaranteed to finish in the top four, the Europa League place allocated to the Carling Cup winners will go to the sixth-placed team.

If both FA Cup finalists – Chelsea and Everton – have already earned European qualification through the league, the seventh-placed team will earn a Europa League sport.

There are also three additional Europa League places awarded to the three national associations which finish highest in its Respect Fair Play league standings. Norway, Denmark and Scotland were the highest-ranked associations in late January.

Each qualifying association is then entitled to put forward the highest-placed club from its own fair play standings which has not already qualified for Europe.

Norway lead Respect Fair Play rankings (26 January)

The Intertoto Cup – previously an alternative route into the Uefa Cup for clubs – has been abolished.

The bottom three teams will be relegated to the Championship – with West Brom running out of games to avoid the drop.

Wolves made sure of their return to the Premier League on 18 April

Wolverhampton Wanderers are champions after their 1-1 draw with Barnsley on 25 April. Birmingham took the second automatic place after winning 2-1 at promotion rivals Reading on the final day of the season.

Sheffield United, Reading, Burnley and Preston will contest the play-offs.

Bottom club Charlton Athletic had their relegation to League One confirmed on 18 April as they drew 2-2 with Blackpool. Southampton were effectively relegated on 24 April after being docked 10 points by the Football League for a breach of insolvency regulations – their relegation was confirmed by a 2-2 draw with Burnley two days later, and they will start next season on minus 10 points.Norwich occupied the third and final relegation place after losing 4-2 at Charlton.

Leicester’s 2-0 win at Southend on 18 April made sure of the title

Leicester City confirmed their rise to the Championship and the League One title with a 2-0 win at Southend on 18 April. Peterborough United secured the second promotion place by beating Colchester 1-0 a week later.

Millwall, MK Dons and Leeds United will contest the play-offs with Scunthorpe who sealed the final place on the last day of the season.

Hereford United were relegated to League Two after their loss to Colchester on 18 April. Cheltenham Town joined them on 25 April, and on the final day of the season, Crewe and Northampton were also both relegated.

Brentford made sure of the title with one game to spare

Brentford are promoted as champions after beating Darlington on 25 April. Wycombe and Exeter joined them on a dramatic final day of the season.

The play-offs will be between Bury – who missed out on automatic promotion by a whisker – Gillingham, Rochdale and Shrewsbury , whose last-day win saw them grab seventh place.

Luton Town were relegated to the Blue Square Premier on Easter Monday, while Chester’s relegation was confirmed on the final day.

Burton Albion have been promoted to the Football League, despite a final-day defeat by Torquay United, who will contest the play-off final with Cambridge United for the remaining promotion spot on 17 May.

Lewes, Northwich, Woking and Weymouth are relegated.

Four teams will be promoted to the Blue Square Premier – the champions and play-off winners of the Blue Square North and South divisions.

Formed in 2002, AFC Wimbledon have reached the Conference top flight

AFC Wimbledon were promoted after clinching the Blue Square South title with a 3-0 victory over St Albans City on 25 April.

Hampton & Richmond and Hayes & Yeading will contest the play-off final on 7 May.

Tamworth secured the Blue Square North title after beat Hinckley United 1-0 on 21 April. Gateshead and AFC Telford United will contest the play-off final on 8 May.

The Scottish Premier League has split in two after the first 33 games, with all clubs playing five further matches against teams in their ‘half’.

The SPL champions will go straight into the Champions League group stages next season, with the runners-up facing two qualifying rounds. Title rivals Celtic and Rangers are guaranteed to fill those two places.

Teams finishing third and fourth will qualify for the Europa League, as will Scottish Cup finalists Falkirk , whose opponents Rangers have already qualified for the Champions League.

There are also three additional places awarded to the three national associations which finish highest in its Respect Fair Play league standings. Norway, Denmark and Scotland were the highest-ranked associations in late January.

Each qualifying association is then entitled to put forward the highest-placed club from its own fair play standings which has not already qualified for Europe.

INTERNET LINK: Norway lead Respect Fair Play rankings (26 January)

The SPL’s bottom club will be relegated to Division One.

St Johnstone made sure of the title and promotion to the Scottish Premier League by beating Morton on 2 May.

Clyde were relegated on the same day as they finished bottom despite defeating Dundee, while the ninth-placed club must enter a play-off with three Division Two clubs. Airdrie United go into the final game two points adrift of Ross County.

Raith Rovers were crowned champions on 2 May and will be promoted to Division One, while Ayr United , Brechin City and Peterhead will enter a play-off with the ninth-placed Division One club.

Bottom club Stranraer were consigned to an immediate return to the Third Division on 4 April when they lost 3-0 to Raith Rovers.

Queen’s Park , as the ninth-placed club, will enter a play-off with three Division Three clubs.

The champion club will be promoted to Division Two and Dumbarton go into the final day as champions in all but name, having a vastly superior goal difference than East Stirlingshire .

The next three clubs will enter a play-off with the ninth-placed Division Two club, with Cowdenbeath and Stenhousemuir filling the two remaining places.

There is no relegation from this division, but struggling Elgin City are guaranteed to finish as Scottish senior football’s bottom club this season.

PREMIER LEAGUE

The top four teams in the Premier League will qualify for the Champions League. The top three will go straight to the group stage, the fourth-placed team will face a play-off.

English clubs are offered three places in the Europa League (formerly the Uefa Cup) – for the FA Cup winners, the Carling Cup winners and the fifth-placed team in the Premier League.

Manchester United were the first team to book their place in Europe

With Manchester United having won the Carling Cup – barring the unlikely (but not impossible) scenario of United finishing outside the top four, the Europa League place allocated to the Carling Cup winners will go to the sixth-placed team.

There are also three additional Europa League places awarded to the three national associations which finish highest in its Respect Fair Play league standings. Norway, Denmark and Scotland were the highest-ranked associations in late January.

Each qualifying association is then entitled to put forward the highest-placed club from its own fair play standings which has not already qualified for Europe.

INTERNET LINK: Norway lead Respect Fair Play rankings (26 January)

The Intertoto Cup – previously an alternative route into the Uefa Cup for clubs – has been abolished.

The bottom three teams will be relegated to the Championship.

Two teams are promoted automatically, with the next four taking part in the play-offs. Wolves are leading the charge for promotion to the Premier League.

The bottom three teams will be relegated to League One. Bottom club Charlton are on the brink of relegation and need to win all of their remaining games and hope other results go their way to stand a chance. Two more out of Norwich, Barnsley, Nottingham Forest and Southampton are set to join them.

Two teams are promoted automatically, with the next four taking part in the play-offs. Leicester City need just two points from their final three matches to confirm a return to the Championship.

The bottom four teams will be relegated to League Two – bottom two Hereford and Cheltenham seem certain for the drop.

Three teams are promoted automatically to League One, with the next four taking part in the play-offs. Only five points separate the top four teams following Easter Monday’s games.

Luton Town were relegated to the Blue Square Premier on Easter Monday after a 0-0 draw with Chesterfield. It looks as though one out of either Chester, Grimsby or Bournemouth will join them.

Another bumper weekend of football coming up – click here for all the fixtures across the divisions.

Arsenal – Aston Villa is the pick in the Premiership, while Man Utd (v Stoke) Chelsea (v West Brom) and Liverpool (v Bolton) will competing to see who scores the most. Spurs face a tough test against Fulham’s mean defence, and Blackburn and Sunderland replay their midweek Carling Cup tie – Roy Keane will be desperate for a turnaround. Completing the Saturday games, Wigan visit Newcastle, and Zola is is dire need of a win with West Ham taking on Portsmouth at the Boleyn Stadium.

The weekend is rounded off with Everton Middlesbrough and Hull against Man City on Sunday, both of which are live on Sky (with the Liverpool game (12.45) and Chelsea (17.30) on Saturday)).

Moving through the divisions, in the Championship Reading and Wolves face tough away days at Sheff Utd and Southampton respectively, whereas Birmingham host Charlon, who, without showing much fight, are fighting for their lives.

Apparently they cannot afford to sack Pardew as it would cost them too much money (and obviously he refuses to quit) – a sad state of affairs.

Newly managerless Swindon take on Leicester in League One, a baptism of fire for whoever takes the reigns. Crewe face Leyton Orient in a basement battle, and a Yorkshire derby sees Leeds play Huddersfield.

Rounding off the leagues, the pick of the fixtures in League Two is 2nd v 3rd with Wycombe hosting Bradford. League Two (in one small way mirroring the Premiership) is incredibly close, with anyone down to 7th place capable of occupying top spot and only 15 points separating first place and twentieth. It will be interesting to see what the table looks like after the weekend.