Smoking is cool. Here are some footballers rocking nicotine chic. With a couple of notable exceptions…

Being a bad-ass, of course Man City’s new signing Mario Balotelli smokes. Indoors. With fit women.

Slaven Bilic rocking a Marlboro. Not strictly a player anymore, but still cool.

The first to buck the trend, Ashley Cole having a puff and looking like a saggy-assholed rentboy.

Back to form. Dimitar Berbatov is the epitome of cool. He smokes, cigarette hanging insouciantly from the corner of his mouth.

Retro. Jack Charlton having a toke at Leeds training.

Fabian Barthez loves to reduce his lung capacity and increase his risk of cancer. He looks like he has it anyway, so who gives a fuck. Not Fabian.

Man United’s Federico Macheda showing that teenagers should also smoke.

Wayne Rooney another to let the side down – he just looks like a pasty, ginger chav smoking a Lambert and Butler in a municipal swimming pool. Not cool.

Zidane, one of the finest players of any generation, showing that smoking actually makes you better at football.

Remember kids, smoking is cool. Get on it early, like Macheda, and one day you might end up like Zidane.

Others I’ve tried to find for the rogue’s gallery, having been informed they love a tab, are Johan Cruyff (lending weight to the theory smoking makes you better), Robert Prosinecki, Claus Jensen (another who looks like he has cancer already), Didi Hamann (twenty a day, allegedly), Gianluca Vialli (another cancer victim doppleganger – but considering he smokes forty a day he probably has it), Giuseppe Meazza, Steed Malbranque (I can imagine him having a shady one round the back of the bike sheds, little scrutter), Paul Robinson (fat keeper not fat defender), Roberto di Matteo (who has hilariously started smoking since taking over West Brom), Henrik Larsson, and of course Tugay.

Any images of them – or others – you could send through would be gratefully received – contact@footballsup.com

In January 2010 Mikel Arteta completed five years UK residency, and having been ignored throughout his playing career by the country of his birth (Spain, for the ignoramuses out there) is now eligible to play for England. Just turning 28 Arteta could still enjoy a fruitful England career – and though this (2010) World Cup is too soon, he would only be 32 at the next. He’s not a player who relies on pace, and representing Eng-er-land could be his only chance to appear on the biggest stage.

It’s surprising that he has not been called up by Spain before – but not inexplicable. Players of his ilk – playmakers, silky passers – are relatively abundant in the country. Think Iniesta and Xavi, both similar ages to Arteta, then Fabregas who although younger is also blocking his path. Then you have Xabi Alonso, Diego Capel, Santi Cazorla… so Arteta is well down the queue.

England have no such riches. Players like Arteta are like gold-dust – Carrick is probably the current closest and he is quite different. Beckham isn’t miles off, but the most recent player who can genuinely be compared in styles (a playalike, if you will) is Jamie Redknapp. And what a player he could have been were it not for injury. That starkly illustrates the paucity.

When we have the likes of Shaun Wright-Phillips and Joleon Lescott in the England squad (and SWP indeed in the midfield), a player of the calibre and class of Arteta would walk in. And he would offer the side something different, something creative, something intelligent, something… Spanish.

The bandwagon starts here – Fabio Capello, sign him up.

Arteta has previously said he wouldn’t rule out playing for England (see here) – let’s jump on that. Why more isn’t being made of this I don’t know, but he is game, he is eligible, he is good enough, he would be a fantastic addition to the England squad. A genuine playmaker who can play out wide, in the centre, or off the striker is like manna from heaven. Don’t ignore it Don Fabio.

A list of all the transfers and that…

ARSENAL

It had is moments; the opening game, Germany destroying England then Argentina, The 3/4th place play-off, Italy v Slovakia… but by and large the World Cup was disappointing. What is to blame?

• The Ball

Now officially called ‘the much maligned Jabulani’, there was so much plaintive wailing about the offical World Cup ball that there must be some truth in there. No smoke without fire and all that (that’s what all the best legal cases are built on…). I’ve played with one, and it is phenomenally light – difficult to control, and difficult to hit with any combination of pace and accuracy. Only Diego Forlan seemed able to master long range strikes with it, and Tevez’ goal was perhaps the only time it was hit 100% straight and true. That is never a good sign. In the desperate quest to make the games more exciting, contain more goals and attract more viewers Adidas/FIFA seem to have shot themselves in the foot. It was used with some success in the Bundesliga and the J-League prior to the tournament which suggests it’s ok once you get used to it – unfortunately the course of the tournament was not long enough for most sides.

• Vuvuzelas

Absolutely fucking shit. Ruined watching it on TV, ruined it even more inside the stadium (probably). By drowning out the crowd they made the games devoid of atmosphere despite the deafening hoots. Genuinely one of the worst inventions ever.

• Holding Midfielders

The 4-2-3-1 seems to have infected the game, with De Jong and Van Bommel the starkest proponents. Two players in the middle whose sole purpose is to break up play is never going to make for attractive games or a glut of goals. And when they do it by fouling left, right and centre it disrupts the flow to such an extent the game becomes nigh on unwatchable (re: the final…).

• Spain

I appreciate the technique behind what they do, but Spain are actually quite a boring side to watch. They pass sides to death, moving and switching the play but without ever creating more than a handful of clear cut opportunities. They wear their opponents out, wear them down, then when that elusive chance does come they rely on David Villa to stick it away. Spain only scored 7 goals in 6 matches, and only three players scored for them.

• The Punditry

It was just awful. I’ve already reprinted one excellent article from Tom English on just how bad – but ‘Lawro’ plunged it to new depths during the final. Abhorrent.

• Avarice

The prize money on offer was ludicrous – Spain were on £500k per man to win the tournament, and England received nearly £6m for their abject showing. With such enormous sums involved, no wonder tactics were defensive, teams were scared to lose, and as a result football suffered. Germany and Uruguay showed how could it could have been in their playoff game played without fear.

• English Fans

The tubthumping bandwagon that rolls into the country with every major tournament was particularly busy this time. St George’s flags everywhere, bare-shirted, tattooed thugs singing about the IRA, the relentless media exposure, the ridiculous over hyping of a decidedly average England side, the faux-patriotism – I was just glad when England went out. Roll on us not qualifying for Euro 2012.

It just wasn’t an enjoyable tournament. Don’t let the good moments in the later rounds cloud the torpor that was the first round of group matches – we waited four years for this, and it was a massive let-down. But only four years until the next one – and no doubt I will be as excited for that as I was for this.

Love the World Cup.

Enough has been written of England’s disappointing – nay abject – nay disgraceful – showing at the World Cup. I didn’t expect much, but a hell of a lot more than one average performance against Slovenia and three other dreadful ones. As always we collapsed as soon as we faced a genuinely good side (speaking of which, how good is Ozil? Amazing) but this time not on penalties, and without a whimper. Yes Lampard’s goal of course should have stood, but 4-2 would have flattered us.

Why?

We have a good side – not a great one, but a good one – a proven manager, and an excellent qualifying campaign under our belts. But the tournament itself was a disaster. Strange selections (Carragher, King, SWP?) strange tactics (No Carrick in the first game), rigidity in formation (at least try Gerrard/Rooney), strange substitutions (Heskey for Defoe when we desperately needed goals) a disharmonious camp (John Terry) the persistence with injured and unfit players (King, Barry, Rooney) and the bizarre cheerleading figure of David Beckham. And for all that the blame must lie with Capello. Magnificent as his club record is, the buck stops with him.

The FA seem to think the same, and have announced there will be an announcement on his future in 2 weeks. This seems sensible, no knee-jerk reactions. And it seems this will coincide with a wholesale change in the English football structure.

Rumours abound this will include a Svengali figure monitoring the pyramid and development of players from the  bottom up. What we also need is a huge push on and for qualified coaches – we only have around 20,000 at the top FIFA level compared to 80,000 for France – and Germany, Holland and Spain all have more. Indeed the latter (if my memory serves) have around 180,000. No wonder England and our top clubs are importing coaches and managers from abroad.

Is Capello the man to lead us into this new dawn? Club and country management is radically different, and you are only as good as your last game. Which in Capello’s case, is fucking shit.

I’m no chest beating Englishman, but for a radical overhaul I would prefer a proven international manager who knows international and club football, and speaks bloody English. I don’t care if he (or she) is from our shores, but it baffles me when the English side is managed by someone who cannot communicate with the players. Thank God we didn’t get Scolari, his English is even worse than Don Fabio’s.

Plus it irritated me when he defended our performances – I thought it was a decidedly English characteristic to blindly laud ourselves – it appears he is guilty of equally rose tinted retrospect. We were rubbish.

I’m intrigued what the FA will do – I suspect offer Capello the chance to oversee the restructure. It will save them £12m after all. And I suspect he will accept. But I don’t think that’s the right way to go. How must they regret removing THAT clause just before the World Cup.

Also – if not Fabio, then who? He at least now has experience of managing a squad at a major international tournament, and that will hopefully stand him and us in good stead at Euro 2012. There are at least no worries about our ability to qualify.

What we want is a world class English coach. And that simply doesn’t exist. Fabio will in all likelihood continue – but it reeks of compromise.

This is also a watershed for the so called ‘Golden Generation’ that began with Michael Owen and David Beckham precociously lighting up World Cup ’98 and ended in ignominy for Steven Gerrard and Frank Lampard as they crashed out to Germany. Owen and Beckham have probably already seen the last of international football – but what worth is there in persisting with Gerrard, Lampard, Ferdinand, Terry, Heskey, Barry, even Ashley Cole? They will all be too old for the next World Cup – Lampard is already 32. And the summary of their achievements are two quarter final defeats to Portugal. Oh for the salad days of Sven…

As well as a soup to nuts restructure the FA should also take this an opportunity to build a new England side, one that will get us to Euro 2012 and then be primed for WC 2014. Some of the current crop will be integral to that – Rooney, G Johnson, Joe Hart, perhaps Ashley Cole, Walcott and Lennon; then the likes of Adam Johnson, Tom Huddlestone, Jack Wilshere, Jonjo Shelvey, Connor Wickham, Fabian Delph and other young starlets should be accelerated. It may not pay dividends immediately but building a strong, stable squad that will stay together over the next four years and grow into a team must be the way forward.

Germany should be our paradigm. And hopefully we can find an Ozil.

IT’S FAIR to say that it’s not just ITV that has taken some stick for some of their coverage at this World Cup, particularly the coverage of the tournament’s lesser lights. The BBC have been getting it in the neck as well. To give you an example, what I’m talking about here is things like Alan Shearer’s self-proclaimed “expert analysis” that amounts to a conveyor belt of cliches and the kind of insight that even a child of six would describe as laughable.

Before the Algeria versus Slovenia game in Group C on Sunday, Shearer seemed to be speaking for the entire BBC panel when he said, “Our knowledge of these two teams is limited.” Limited! What the former England striker was saying was that he hadn’t done his homework, that he hadn’t spoken to any of his vast array of contacts in the game, hadn’t tapped into the BBC’s huge research machinery, hadn’t even bothered, seemingly, to peruse the internet for some background on Algeria and Slovenia or even flick through a newspaper or a magazine. Shearer was content to sit in front of the cameras and tell the viewers that, really, he didn’t know much. Hardly a revelation to those of us who have groaned our way through his anodyne commentaries in the past, but embarrassing all the same.

Why do the BBC deem that acceptable? Why is Shearer not taken aside and told, ‘Listen, if you can’t be bothered doing some research on this game then get lost’. It’s a different, and entirely more professional story, on radio where the wonderful 5 Live and, closer to home, the award-winning Radio Scotland present their football coverage in a proper fashion. How does Shearer (but not just Shearer) get away with opting out like that?

And here’s another one. The Beeb got carpeted by some viewers for their treatment of that Algeria game. So what happened before the kick-off in yesterday’s lunch-time match between New Zealand and Slovakia? In a six-and-a-half minute introduction just one player out of the 22 on show was given a name-check, and here is how it happened.

Lee Dixon: “Slovakia have got some decent players, Hamsik, the pick of them. Young player, plays on the left side.”

Gary Lineker: “He’s at Napoli.”

Lee Dixon: “That’s right.”

Alan Hansen (chuckling): “Somebody gave you him, by the way.”

What Hansen meant, I think, was that his colleagues must have been fed the Hamsik reference by another party, that they couldn’t have come up with his name all by themselves. It’s not like Dixon or Lineker produced a dossier of facts about Hamsik, a file of information on who he is and where he has been. All they did was mention his name and the fact that he was rather good. That was it. Hansen seemed to think this was worthy of a gently-mocking put-down, as if the other two were some kind of class swots. As such, he was almost revelling in his own ignorance.

There’s a lot of this going about, on BBC and ITV. The level of punditry is cringe-making. It’s lowest common denominator stuff. Patronising and insulting, much of it. Emmanuel Adebayor’s mobile phone started ringing in his pocket live on air the other day. His respect for the viewers didn’t even amount to him making sure the thing was switched off. Edgar Davids has been unintelligible, Gareth Southgate hasn’t said one interesting thing, Kevin Keegan has been nothing more than a cheerleader for England and Andy Townsend has been his usual bland self, trotting out statements of the obvious with a rapid-fire gusto. “I tell you what, for me, he’s gotta hit the target from there!”

And you are paid how much, Andy?

Clarence Seedorf was in the BBC studio the other night for the Italy versus Paraguay match and he was making a point about the positive impact an Italian substitute had made on the game. He was referring to Antonio Di Natale, winner of more than 30 caps for the Azzurri and the leading goalscorer in Serie A in the season just gone, but Seedorf couldn’t remember his name. Hadn’t a clue. Neither did the blokes alongside him, Hansen among them. “He was the No 10,” said a smiling Seedorf, who then reached for a team-sheet on the desk for help before realising that it was the Dutch team-sheet. “That’s no use,” he laughed. Indeed, Clarence.

Hansen thought this was priceless. “That might be highlight of the World Cup so far,” he trumpeted. The programme ended and still nobody had figured out that the No 10 was Di Natale. You would hope that behind the scenes the BBC producers were holding their heads in their hands with embarrassment, but you wouldn’t bank on it. Of course, in the squirm factor stakes there are many challengers. Mick McCarthy claimed just before kick-off in the Argentina versus Nigeria game that he’d only just realised that the Juan Sebastian Veron that appeared on his team-sheet was the same Veron who’d played for Manchester United and Chelsea. Quite a statement of ignorance, that.

In fairness to McCarthy, he does have something to offer in his reading of the game. It’s just that there is so much that makes you wince in between. What we’re getting a lot of from both sides is glib nonsense, crap jokes and crass stereotyping. Adrian Chiles is flavour of the month on ITV, but his popularity is not what it was. It wasn’t his fault that ITV HD pressed the wrong button at the wrong time during England’s opening game and missed Steven Gerrard’s goal, but Chiles has been distinctly unconvincing in the anchor role. He wants to be the funny man when the job demands gravitas. He wants to throw in one-liners when he should be attempting to spearhead a proper discussion about a match.

His introduction to England’s game against the Americans was mortifying. Wielding a baseball bat and sending a message to America, he said, “Just stick to your sports, why don’t you?” Chiles was also seen patting a burger, adding: “We really love Americans, just wouldn’t eat a whole one.” He made himself look like a clown.

Keegan’s summing-up: “It was a very, very good performance, good enough to win any game.” This classic piece of Keegan claptrap should have been jumped upon and ripped apart for the nonsensical garbage that it was, but it sailed through pretty much. Chiles doesn’t do confrontation – neither does the BBC – and it’s a terrible weakness. There is no edge, no passion. It’s all so bloody harmless and dull.

ITV needed somebody with a backbone to turn around to Keegan and say to him, ‘Okay Kevin, what you’re saying there is a load of junk. Explain how getting a draw against a team of journeymen like America is very good, explain the selection of James Milner out of position, explain why the rank ordinary Shaun Wright-Phillips was brought on instead of the classy Joe Cole, explain the failure of Gerrard and Frank Lampard to function together yet again, explain why this negated Wayne Rooney’s impact’. Kev didn’t do any of that, though.

There are many days ahead when our intelligence will be insulted by “expert analysts” who speak to us like simpletons who’ve just staggered home from the pub. We could do a lot worse than hitting the mute button from here on in. Or getting the commentary off the radio.

Here is a link to the original article: http://thescotsman.scotsman.com/sport/Tom-English-39The-level-of.6364084.jp

An up to date list of the Premier League players who will be missing this summer. Click the names for more news on the injury…

John Obi Mikel – knee injury

Didier Drogba – fractured elbow

Rio Ferdinand – left knee ligament damage

Michael Essien – hamstring & knee

Michael Ballack – right ankle ligament damaget

Jozy Altidore – Ankle

Martin Skrtel – Ankle

Valon Behrami – doubtful, Hamstring

Nani – doubtful, Shoulder

Nicklas Bendtner – Thigh

GROUP A FIXTURES

GROUP B FIXTURES

GROUP C FIXTURES

GROUP D FIXTURES

GROUP E FIXTURES

GROUP F FIXTURES

GROUP G FIXTURES

GROUP H FIXTURES

Thanks to Football365 for this. What could, should, might and won’t happen this summer…

100) Frederic Piquionne
A host of departures from Fratton Park will occur over the summer and near the front of the exodus will be Piquionne. Where to? Anywhere in England but here.”I want to stay in England, but I do not know where,” he confirmed after the FA Cup final. Fulham or Blackburn are reasonable shouts.

99) Aruna Dindane
Set to snub Bolton, Wolves and Blackburn by leaving Portsmouth for Greece. “It is obvious I will choose Champions’ League football with Panathinaikos,” he helpfully declared two weeks ago.

98) Jack Wilshere
Not a transfer as such, but Bolton have made it publicly clear that they want to sign Wilshere on another six-month loan deal from Arsenal. It could prove a significant bit of business if it facilitates a far bigger transfer involving Arsenal and Bolton this summer…

97) James Beattie
If Tony Pulis remains as Stoke City boss, Beattie is a goner. The talk is of a move to West Brom.

96) Dave Kitson
And what goes for Beattie is repeated for Kitson. Quite what this level of disharmony says about Pulis’ management is a debate for another day.

95) Mikael Silvestre
One of three centre-halves poised to leave Arsenal this summer – Philippe Senderos and William Gallas being the others. Now’s a good time to mention that Sol Campbell is very much likely to be given a new deal. The only major doubt is whether the contract will be for one or two years.

94) Deco
Chelsea will be adhering to his request to return to his homeland for personal reasons. Expect three or four of the Stamford Bridge relative pensioners to depart during the coming months – including Hilario and the under-estimated Juliano Belletti.

93) Eduardo
Arsene Wenger declared in April that he was considering offering the striker a new deal but a parting would surely suit both parties. Eduardo needs regular football if he is to complete his recovery – and that isn’t on offer at the Emirates.

92) Sebastian Larsson
Lost his place in the Brum side towards the end of the season and revealed at the start of the month that he had received no word on a new contract. Newcastle are supposedly interested.

91) Albert Riera
The Spaniard has surely whinged and whined his way out of Anfield. Having extended his attack to the Liverpool board and English clubs in general, it’s impossible to foresee him staying in Blighty even if Rafa Benitez departs.

90) Nigel Reo-Coker
The midfielder he wants to stay and fight for a place at Aston Villa but his future will surely be indirectly decided by that of James Milner. A reputed target of Blackburn, Reo-Coker is the highest-profile of a number of low-profile fringe players – including Luke Young, Curtis Davies, Steve Sidwell and Nicky Shorey – who could depart Villa Park this summer

89) Alex Hleb
The bread boy is hankering after a move back to England after Barcelona realised that he doesn’t do very much.

88) Pape Diakhate
The Guardian says this lad is on Arsene Wenger’s wishlist. If you were also wondering, he’s a Senegal defender on loan at St Etienne and valued at £10m by Dynamo Kiev.

87) Roberto Mancini
He’ll only be jettisoned by City if a manager of Jose Mourinho’s calibre becomes available. And Jose is Madrid bound.

86) Ricardo Carvalho
Chelsea apparently believe they might receive £10m for Carvalho as they cull their squad in order to accommodate some fresh – and younger – blood. Carlo Ancelotti is believed to be intent on promoting Dutch youngster Jeffrey Bruma as cover behind John Terry and Alex.

85) Yaya Toure
A possible makeweight in a transfer for Cesc Fabregas? Kolo’s younger brother would be further up this list if only his agent hadn’t declared his client has no intention of moving to Arsenal, but could he be tempted by the millions on offer at Man City?

84) Philippe Senderos
Not good enough for Arsenal, not good enough for AC Milan, and not good enough for Everton, the Swiss defender has been reduced to selling himself in public. “I’m at an ideal age, I’m going to play at the World Cup and I am a free transfer – what could be better?” Form? Class? A lower-ranking Prem club are likely to overlook those issues, however.

83) Klaas-Jan Huntelaar
A rumour that just wont go away, even after his disastrous performances against United in the Champions League, is that the Dutchman might be on his way to Old Trafford. Only, we suspect, if AC Milan want to take a punt on Dimi Berbatov and United need some additional persuasion to do a deal.

82) Julian Speroni
Too good for the Championship, just as there are at least half-a-dozen goalkeepers plying their trade in the Prem despite being too bad for the top-flight.

81) Lassana Diarra
Reports in Spain claim that Diarra is back on Arsenal’s radar having fallen out of favour at Real Madrid. If not to Arsenal, a return to England is feasible.

80) Jermaine Jenas
He wasn’t good enough to be playing for Tottenham when they were merely a top-half club. Sandro’s imminent arrival should signal curtains for Jenas’ White Hart Lane career. A return to Newcastle has been mooted.

79) Benjani
Man City aren’t going to need much cash persuasion in order to part with Benjani so the veteran striker should appeal to a Premiership newbie.

78) Steven Defour
Remember how Sir Alex Ferguson wrote the youngster a letter wishing him well as he recovered from a broken foot last year? We haven’t. But we’d have Defour in the top fifty if only he hadn’t signed a contract extension with Standard Liege in March.

77) Brede Hangeland
Said he was offered the chance to transfer to Arsenal last summer. Arsene Wenger says he wasn’t. And so that’s probably that.

76) Marek Hamsik
The Napoli and Slovakia player is just one of many, many players being linked with Man City.

75) Mesut Ozil
As this is lad – an attacking midfielder for Werder Bremen who would cost in the region of £20m.

74) Micah Richards
Seemingly out of favour at City, Richards’ career has been stalled for so long that it would be better described as crashed. By our count, he’s been standing still for at least two years. Will player or club decide that a change of scene might just be the tonic?

73) Joe Hart
The Guardian claimed a few weeks ago that Arsenal were preparing a bid for Hart. However, and not least because City will require Hart at the start of next season to cover for the injured Shay Given, we’d literally eat a hat if he isn’t a City player on September 1.

72) Peter Whittingham
Obviously dependent on Cardiff’s success or otherwise in the playoff final. However, the financially fubared Welshmen will almost certainly have to sell someone if they don’t make the Premier League, and with a whopping 25 goals from midfield behind him, Whittingham will be just ahead of Joe Ledley.

71) Emmanuel Adebayor
The Togo striker seemed utterly uninterested towards the end of the season and it wouldn’t be a surprise if he is shipped out of Eastlands this summer as the club strives to go up another critical level. But who could afford Adebayor’s £140,000-a-week wages and who can see Adebayor abandoning his lucrative City contract to take a paycut?

70) Gio dos Santos
While Harry Redknapp has been praised for giving write-offs like David Bentley, Gareth Bale and Roman Pavlyuchenko a second go, we’d be astounded, astonished and flabbergasted if Dos Santos gets another shot. However, a decent showing at the World Cup might persuade someone to part with some hard-earned.

69) Ben Foster
So much for the expectation that he would be the next number one for country and country’s biggest club. Having accepted he has mistaked his way into a dead end at Old Trafford, Foster is joining Birmingham in a £6m move.

68) Matthew Upson
As he is one of the highest-paid players at Upton Park, it would cause a ripple of surprise inside F365 Towers were he to move on.

67) Anderson
Touted as a possible makeweight in a deal that would see Benfica winger Angel di Maria move to Old Trafford.

66) Gianluigi Buffon
There was much excitement a couple of weeks ago when the Italian goalkeeper said he was interested in a move to England. The old cynic in us, however, simply muttered ‘negotiation ploy’.

65) Hugo Rodallega
Too good for Wigan?

64) Charles N’Zogbia
Birmingham have already launched an £8m bid for the Wigan winger. It’s been rejected but we suspect that another million will do the business.

63) Christian Benitez
Ours is not to question why, but it does seem a little surprising that Brum are offering £8m for Christian N’Zogbia and yet have shied away from spending £7m on Benitez. “I am sorry to lose Chucho but the deal was just too rich for us,” said Alex McLeish at the end of the season.

62) Edin Dzeko
A fashionable piece of gossip in January, Dzeko has slipped off the rumour radar in the past couple of months. A shame, we liked the look of him.

61) Aiden McGeady
A bit like Roy Evans used to be linked with every vacant managerial post for a couple of seasons, a transfer window wouldn’t be fully open unless someone was predicting a move south for McGeady from Celtic. The latest we’ve heard is Sunderland, but we’ve heard it all before too.

60) Kevin Boateng
Another soon-to-be ex-Pompey player – though we’re not expecting Chelsea to make an offer.

59) Jermaine Beckford
His final act for Leeds was to score the goal that got them back into the Championship. A move to Everton is apparently a done deal, so we’ll find out next season if he’s as good as he thinks he is.

58) Roque Santa Cruz
A good target for some mid-ranking Prem clubs if, as expected, Santa Cruz is part of a mass clear-out at City. The stumbling block might be the not-small matter of the wage cut he’d have to take.

57) Luis Suarez
A possible for Tottenham and Manchester United if Ajax significantly reduce their ludicrous demand for £40m to do business.

56) Alan Hutton
A permanent transfer from Tottenham to Sunderland looked a certainty a few weeks ago but recent talk has suggested that a £5m price tag has put the deal in considerable doubt.

55) Mikel Arteta
Although Arteta is the early frontrunning contender to replace Cesc Fabregas if he leaves Arsenal, his agent says his client doesn’t want to leave Liverpool. Still, the proof will be in the pudding – Arteta is still yet to sign a new deal at Goodison Park.

54) Rio Ferdinand
Sir Alex hasn’t made himself the most successful manager in modern history without revealing a ruthless streak and, given his recent injury record, dumping Ferdinand this summer would be no more dramatic than Sir’s ousting of Jaap Stam almost ten years ago.

53) Kaka
Supposedly on Chelsea’s shopping list, he’d be far higher up our list if only we had a degree of expectation that a deal will happen. Still, we’ve been wrong in the past. Lots of times.

52) Martin Petrov
Just one of many, many players expected to leave City this summer. Tottenham could do worse.

51) Roman Pavlyuchenko
In betting terms, a move to Liverpool is an outside shot. The smart money will be on him remaining at Tottenham, however, after he finally began to make his mark at White Hart Lane towards the end of the season.

50) Robert Koren
Curiously released by West Brom at the end of his contract, the Slovenian should pop up at a lower-half Premier League side in the summer. Especially if he does, how you say, the business against England in the World Cup.
Prediction: Someone like West Ham or Stoke. Maybe Wolves. Maybe Newcastle.
49) Emile Heskey
Having ended the season as a bit-part player at Villa, he’ll be even further down the pecking order if Villa stump up the cash for the type of goalsniffing striker they require as cover for the overburdened Gabby Agbonlahor. Or move in for Carlton Cole.
Prediction: Will play his last game for England at the World Cup and has already played his last game for Villa. Filling a vacancy at Stoke?
48) Michael Carrick
Following his exposure as second-rate, it would be no surprise if Carrick takes a pedestrian stroll out of Old Trafford this summer if Sir Alex is reassured that Owen Hargreaves will make a full recovery and James Milner arrives. A possible makeweight in a deal for Milner, a return to Tottenham isn’t far-fetched either.
Prediction: Alas, it’s probably only our bewilderment at the Carrick myth that makes us think he will have to find a more suitable level of employment.
47) Michael Ballack
The crocked German will have to agree to a substantial pay-cut if he is to remain at Stamford Bridge. Chelsea will not be unduly concerned at the prospect of losing the German so long as Michael Essien is fit to start the new season. Another player whose future will also be influenced by Milner’s.
Prediction: Schalke.
46) Franck Ribery
Chelsea would surely welcome him with open arms, as would the two leading clubs of Manchester, regardless of the cost, but the suspicion is that Ribery will only leave Bayern Munich for Spain.
Prediction: Sorry, but Spain’s where it’s at.
45) Connor Wickham
It’s been widely reported that the Ipswich youngster will be bought by Tottenham for around £5m and then loaned straight back to the Tractor Boys.
Prediction: We know nothing about this tale apart from what we’ve read in the papers. So we’ll take the risk of sticking with that.
44) Steven Fletcher
One of the very few Burnley players to occasionally impress last season, Fletcher is understood to be a target for both Wolves and Birmingham. Bids of approximately £8m may already have been lodged according to some gossipers.
Prediction:A second Premiership season awaits. Most probably with Wolves.
43) Jamie O’Hara
Back at Tottenham but probably not for long. His stint a Portsmouth has given O’Hara a taste for regular football – “I have got to play football every week” – and that’s not something Tottenham will be able to offer.
Prediction: A bit of a punt, but why not West Ham?
42) Robert Green
It is a measure of how low English goalkeeping has fallen that Green’s availably has attracted so little interest. Arsenal, with their obvious vacancies, should be an obvious link, but just how much of an improvement would Green be on the discredited Almunia?
Prediction: Rather sadly, we’d wouldn’t be at all surprised if he ends up staying at West Ham.
41) David James
Another south-coast refugee with Pompey unable to afford his wages. Tottenham looked a good bet until Carlo Cudicini declared himself fully recovered from January’s motorbike accident. .
Prediction: Stoke? Maybe?
40) Kevin Doyle
A big fish in a small pond at Wolves, Doyle will only become available if a bid in excess of £10m is tabled. And that isn’t going to happen. He’s good, but…
Prediction: Staying at Wolves.
39) Andrey Arshavin
Sometimes brilliant, all too often absolutely anonymous. The departure of Cesc Fabregas leaves a space open for a playmaker at Arsenal, but the Russian is surely too inconsistent. The sale of two creative types in a summer might be too much, but should a big hitter come in with oodles of cash, a sale might be a wise decision.
Prediction: Chances are he’ll stay, but Italy or Real Madrid could come calling.
38) Ashley Cole
Talk of Cole moving out of Chelsea has gone quiet of late but there isn’t a club in the world – with perhaps the exception of Manchester United – who wouldn’t sign Cole if he became available.
Prediction: If Cole is to ever move to Spain, this is the summer.
37) Zlatan Ibrahimovic
The Swede is likely to be marginalized at Barcelona by the arrival of David Villa and is said to be attracting interest from Man City. More likely is a return to Italy.
Prediction: A big-club addict, Ibrahimovic might well fancy a move to AC Milan, Juventus or even a return to Inter.
36) Carlos Tevez
Rather than dampen down the speculation, Tevez has fuelled talk he might leave City by admitting he was “disappointed” by his first season at Eastlands. And those rumours of a rift with Roberto Mancini just won’t go away either. Could Real Madrid provide an attractive route out?
Prediction: Much will depend on how he performs in the World Cup’s shop window.
35) Alexandre Pato
The Times have been wrong whilst gossiping about Chelsea in the past but the paper sounded confident the other week when it announced, ‘Carlo Ancelotti has identified Pato, the AC Milan striker, as his main transfer target for the summer’. A rumour to keep an eye on.
Prediction: Ancelotti’s interest might be true but we’re struggling to believe Milan will let him go.
34) Kenny Dalglish
It’s a long shot, but the possibility of Dalglish taking over at Anfield on an interim basis if Benitez departs has already been talked up on the backpage of one newspaper. It does make some sense, too, because how will Liverpool be able to attract a manager of substance if their ownership remains in limbo?
Prediction: It would be silly to be bet on Dalglish returning but we’ve also heard sillier ideas.
33) Sandro
21-year-old Brazilian midfielder will join Tottenham later this summer at the end of the Copa Libertadores…
Prediction: A done deal.
32) Scott Parker
The only West Ham player not put up for sale by the club’s disgruntled owners, Parker has since said he wants to stay but added that the matter is “out of my hands”. Somebody, surely, will test both Parker and West Ham’s resolve.
Prediction: A 50-50 call.
31) Roy Hodgson
The frontrunner contender to replace Rafa Benitez is the Spaniard does jump off Lverpool’s sinking ship, he’d also be the obvious choice to replace Fabio if the Don opts out of England. .
Prediction: In percentage terms of likelihood: 85% staying at Fulham, 10% going to Liverpool, 5% succeeding Fabio.
30) Javier Mascherano
The Argentine has put his contract talks on hold and has since revealed that his family is not happy living in Liverpool. Oh, and with Yaya Toure agitating for a move out of Barcelona, could there be a vacancy for a defensive-midfielder at the Nou Camp
Prediction: A bit too obvious?
29) Frank Lampard
The Daily Mail has got itself into a considerable tizz of late talking up the possibility of Lampard moving to Real Madrid if and when Jose Mourinho takes over at the Bernabeu. Would Chelsea say no to a £30m bid for a 31-year-old? Bigger question: Would Real really bid £30m for a 31-year-old who turns 32 in June?
Prediction: Ms Bleakley can sleep easy: We’d be very surprised if Lampard isn’t still residing in London at the start of next season.
28) Rafa Benitez
If this list was compiled a few weeks ago, then the Spaniard would have been at the sharp end of the top ten. However, he’s tumbled down the order in recent days on account of the growing impression that he really is set to stay at Anfield. But does that mean Torres, Gerrard and co are less or more likely to stay?
Prediction: If the rumours are true, managerial stability may not produce playing-staff stability.
27) Robbie Keane
Just two years after being heralded as the man to spearhead Liverpool’s first title since the days of Maggie Thatcher, Keane finds his career in limbo. Spurs, despite Harry Redknapp’s protestations to the contrary, will surely sell if a suitable offer is made – and it is reported that Wolves and Sunderland won’t be shy in coming forward.
Prediction: Another step down the Premier League pecking order.
26) Robinho
Remember him? The Brazilian is still officially a Manchester City player on loan at Santos but a permanent parting will occur over the next three months. City will just be hoping that his fee rises after he appears in the World Cup shop window.
Prediction: Back to Brazil.
25) Angel di Maria
Almost all of the Premier League big hitters – Chelsea, Man City, Man United and Liverpool – have been linked with the Benfica winger, but the expectation in his native Argentina is that he’ll end up at Real Madrid instead. We’ll see.
Prediction: We’ll see how he does at the World Cup for starters.
24) Jerome Boateng
Set to be the first of many arrivals at Manchester City during a frantic summer of activity. A minimum expectation is of at least 10 transfers involving City. Add in all the small-fry deals and it would be no surprise if the figure hits twenty.
Prediction: Transfer will be announced at the start of June.
23) Manuel Almunia
Was anyone fooled by the claim he missed the end of his latest error-prone, saveless season with a wrist injury? Though Arsene Wenger has made defensive reinforcement his priority, he will surely not be able to overlook the need to purchase a reliable goalkeeper.
Prediction: Arsene’s myopic but he can’t be blind. The real story – and mystery – is who Arsenal will sign as his first-choice replacement.
22) William Gallas
Arsenal – through Peter Hill-Wood’s publication of choice, The Daily Star – have branded Gallas’ wage demands as “extravagant”, which seems a polite way of declaring they won’t be paying. Unofficial estimates reckon that, with Gallas demanding a two-year deal, keeping the 32-year-old would cost the Gunners around £8m. No wonder they’re politely declining…
Prediction: Leaving for Paris St Germain.
21) Gary Cahill
With Cahill admitting that he is open to a move up football’s ladder, Arsene Wenger denying the claim of Brede Hangeland that Arsenal bid for him last year, and the Jack Wilshere loan deal possibly greasing the wheels, Cahill is the obvious candidate to replace Gallas at the Emirates.
Prediction: The obvious candidate but Wenger’s first preference is to look abroad. We’d be surprised if Cahill is the one and only centre-half recruited, but we wouldn’t be surprised if he arrives at the Emirates as one of two new defenders.
20) Craig Bellamy
Talk of a transfer to Tottenham has been gossiped ever since he high-fived with Harry Redknapp after City’s defeat in the Champions League Qualification final. Doubtless, too much has been read into that incident, but Bellamy rarely puts down firm roots and rumours that all is not harmonious in his relationship with Roberto Mancini abound.
Prediction: Moving on. Again.
19) David Silva
Constantly touted as a possible Premier League newcomer, Silva is expected to be put up for sale (unofficially or otherwise) this summer on account of Valencia’s crippling debts. Which remain crippling despite the injection of cash from Barcelona in return for David Villa. The gossipers claim that Tottenham, Chelsea and Manchester United are all interested.
Prediction: But he’ll only consider England if neither Madrid nor Barcelona want him.
18) Sir Alex Ferguson
The old boy has repeatedly insisted of late that he has no plans to quit, but in the back of our mind we can still see the words of Philip Cornwall last year when he mused that the most likely date of Sir Alex’s retirement was when nobody expected it and he could catch the press on the hop. Hmm. So this summer then?…
Prediction: We’re not expecting it, or even predicting it, but stranger things have happened than the World Cup being rudely interrupted by a bombshell announcement from Old Trafford.
17) Fabio Capello
The England boss has committed until 2012 but circumstances frequently trump commitment. England are one of a small group of teams who are genuine contenders to win the World Cup and were they somehow to prevail against Spain and Brazil then who would begrudge Capello u-turning and walking away?
Prediction: Alas, it’s an unlikely possibility.
16) Luca Modric
In the space of less than a week midway through May, Modric was talked up as the ‘number one transfer target’ of both Chelsea and Manchester United. English gossip doesn’t come any more flattering. But Tottenham’s status as a Champions League club should be sufficient to rebuff any pursuit – Spurs can’t afford to lose their top players now.
Prediction: Staying at Spurs – possibly with a new-deal sweetener.
15) Yossi Benayoun
Part of the Anfield exodus? A reputed target for Tottenham, Benayoun’s future may depend on whether Rafa Benitez stays or goes. An under-appreciated player, he was also an under-used player last season.
Prediction: A move out of Liverpool.
14) Shaun Wright-Phillips
Roberto Mancini likes his inside-out wingers so it’s certainly possible that SWP will begin next season on the left of City’s attack instead of Craig Bellamy. It’s slightly more likely, however, that SWP will be shipped out and a far superior product brought in.
Prediction: West Ham? They’ve history for deals such as these…
13) Sergio Aguero
Talk of Aguero moving to England has been wrapping up fish and chips for over a year and it’s surely this summer or never for the striker as far as the Prem is concerned. “In June I will try to do what is best for the club and if they need the money then that would be a case of me leaving,” he conceded a few weeks ago. With the player indicating Chelsea are the obvious possibility but it wouldn’t be a surprise if he moves to Real Madrid as a replacement for the outbound Karim Benzema.
Prediction: We’re guessing Madrid.
12) Steven Pienaar
Under-rated midfielder has yet to sign a new deal at Everton but has talked up the prospect of staying at Goodison Park in recent weeks. Will the club’s Player of the Year award help convince? Maybe, just maybe, a big offer from Tottenham might cause a rethink, and it’s not inconceivable that Manchester United will add him to their list of targets, but….
Prediction: A new deal at Everton.
11) Carlton Cole
Technically up for sale after the West Ham owners announced they would listen to offer for any of their players with the exception of Parker, Cole’s form for the Hammers ought to bring him an upgrade during the summer. A replacement for Emile Heskey at Villa?
Prediction: £10m transfer to Villa Park.
10) Karim Benzema
Wayne Rooney has already called upon Manchester United to sign one striker this summer – and that was a call made in the expectation that Dimi Berbatov will remain at the club. In the unquestionable need for extra firepower to be provided, Benzema is a decent bet given that United were interested a year ago and he may be available for a reduced fee this summer.
Prediction: We wouldn’t rate his chances of joining United at anything above 30% but we wouldn’t have any other striker any higher either.
9) Marouane Chamakh
The latest in a long line of France-to-Arsenal transfers since Monsieur Wenger took charge in North London. The deal is signed, sealed and will delivered in the first week of June.
Prediction: A done deal: He’ll be at Arsenal for the new season.
Stephen Ireland
The question isn’t whether Ireland will be staying at Manchester City but where he will be going. Too good a player, surely, to slip out of the elite, and it’s not difficult to foresee him staying in Manchester with United. They are on the look-out for an attacking, goalscoring midfielder and if Milner cannot be lured from Villa then Ireland may be the best available alternative.
Prediction: We wouldn’t put money on it, but…a move to United.
7) Jack Rodwell
Chelsea reputedly bid big for Rodwell in January and are likely to make another offer this summer as they seek to fill their quota of English players. But rumour has it that both Arsenal and Manchester United are also in the hunt – with United possibly even viewing Rodwell as a direct successor to the sideline-prone Rio Ferdinand. Makes sense to us.
Prediction: History repeated and Everton’s latest bright young thing to transfer to Old Trafford.
6) Steven Gerrard
Could he? The official line from Anfield is that he will not, but what happens if Real Madrid offer the £30m they have reputedly set aside to bring the Liverpool captain to Spain? The official line from F365 is that we’re far from convinced Gerrard will still be a Liverpool player next season. It’s not as if he has rubbished the rumours, is it?
Prediction: On the balance of probability, then we have to predict ‘stay’. But in percentage terms, it’s only 80: 20.
5) Joe Cole
Out of contract at Chelsea and seemingly on his way out of Stamford Bridge. Hitch number one: Carlo Ancelotti doesn’t seem to rate him. Hitch number two: Cole seems to have rated himself too highly in negotiations. Man City, Man United and even Arsenal have all been mentioned as possible destinations, but the favourite has to be a reunion with Harry Redknapp at Spurs.
Prediction: All the signs point to White Hart Lane.
4) Dimi Berbatov
It just hasn’t happened for Berbatov at Old Trafford and Ferguson’s body language during the Bulgarian’s tortured performance at Sunderland spoke of a final straw being broke. He’ll be gone just as soon as United receive a reasonable offer.
Prediction: Going, going…probably to Germany.
3) James Milner
This one has started early with Man City tabling a £20m offer for the Aston Villa midfielder on Wednesday night. Manchester United are not expected to be shy in coming forward either. Aston Villa insist they will not sell – just as they did when they chased off Liverpool from Gareth Barry a couple of summers ago – but the widespread expectation is that they will cash in sooner rather than later.
Prediction: Villa to eventually let go after a bidding war.
2) Cesc Fabregas
Can Arsene afford to let him go? Can Barcelona fund an offer that is too good to refuse? Who will blink first? Just what is the point of the contract? So many questions, so much fuel for the early favourite to be the saga of the summer. Fabregas has youth on his side, Barcelona have a permanent appeal and Arsenal have a concrete contract. Could a compromise be reached that will see Cesc stay on for another year?
Prediction: There’s still a long way to go in this particular tale despite Fabregas telling Arsenal he wants out.
1) Fernando Torres
Under contract but reportedly considering his future on account of Liverpool’s declining fortunes both on and off the pitch. Is it really true that he is more likely to stay if Rafa Benitez goes? A confirmed target of Manchester City, he’s also on the radar of Barcelona and Chelsea. As £80m is the going rate for players of his class leaving the Prem, Liverpool really might be tempted to cash in on a player who made just 20 league starts last term.
Prediction: The deal of the summer. Ending in a bidding war victory for Manchester City.

With my only Swindon supporting friend jettisoned in Solihull, I made the lonely journey to the Valley alone to watch the second leg of the League One Playoff semi-final between Swindon and Charlton. With Swindon holding a narrow 2-1 lead from the first leg it was all to play for.

Being a disorganised twat I left it so late my only option was to purchase on the gate. The imbecile behind the counter told me North Lower (the stronghold of the stalwart Charlton fan) was the only space left – this despite there being swathes of space in both the other stands throughout the game. Wanker.

So with gritted teeth and a check on my emotions I took my seat amongst the South East London Ultras, replete with their bare chests and dodgy tattoos vaguely resembling the Charlton badge.

It was not an immensely enjoyable experience initially. I abhor football fans who scream obscenities throughout matches, even more so when they are about the team and players you support. And especially not when they are a foot from your ear in the seat next to you.

It all looked good at first, two minutes into the game I had a spare seat beside me and was relaxing into my personal space (I am not a small man and two seats was just about right). Then he arrived. ‘Superfan’. He had no top on, one of those ridiculous big red hands over one of his own, a hooter, and an extremely loud voice. Suffice to say, for 120 minutes he was my most hated man in the world, and I now have a perforated eardrum.

It was difficult as an alien among Ultras. When they leapt and screamed at a missed chance I thanked the Lord and exhaled. When Swindon went close I let out a strangled yelp and put my head in my hands, they booed and or cheered. After a while I established a neutral shout of ‘fuuuuuuck’ got me through whatever happened.

Swindon started well and dominated only to be hit by a sucker punch against the run of play, and a ridiculous own goal at that. Another just before half time and Danny Wilson’s red and white army were right up against it.

But of course I couldn’t display any signs of concern, Superfan and probably a thousand others would have mauled me. My hands thrust themselves deeper into my pockets when Swindon went close, and when they reached my head I feigned relief. For Charlton’s goals, head in hands and stony silence mixed with muttered expletive was lost amidst the delirium.

Swindon started the second half well but were again stopped in their tracks, this time for a fully deserved Gordon Greer red card. I think my shout of  ‘you fucking twat’ was seen as sympathy for the stricken Charlton player. Well I am alive now I suppose.

Danny Ward’s goal was met with clenched fists (in pockets of course) and a look to the heavens. And there was so much shouting when Charlton were reduced to 10 after Charlie Austin was hauled down it drowned out my conflicting emotions.

So to extra time – I had been through the mill with these guys now, and felt a strange sense if guilt. I was like a peeping  Tom, a pervert, an emotional voyeur – pretending to share in their sorrow and joy yet all the while secretly opposing them. I felt bad. And worried that I would be rumbled by a wholly inappropriate reaction. When Swindon went close and I almost genuflected (hands on head of course) I thought it was all over, but as I said, I am alive now…

I was dreading penalties but I found myself an isolated seat I could stand on and put myself through the last throes of the emotional gamut alone. And when Darby netted the decisive penalty my celebration was to run off into the stands and home, only pausing to glimpse the Swindon mob.

The playoffs are incredible – the Americans call them our best kept secret. And this was the playoffs at their best, end to end, incident and action packed, dramatic and compelling. And…

E I E I O, UP THE FOOTBALL LEAGUE WE GO!!

Come on Swindon. We’re going to fucking Wembley. And this time I can watch it with my own fans.